Dispatches from a Not So Perfect Life

Letters from Readers of Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life

Dear Faulkner,

I have never written to an author before so I hope that portrays just how moved I was after reading your book. About two weeks ago I had a mini meltdown at a nursery school board meeting when I started venting to all the other moms about how TIRED I was, how much I needed to get away and get some of my own space, how angry I was at my husband for doing so much less and not acknowledging it, how incredibly LONELY I felt and to my surprise (because of course no one ever says these things and I was the newcomer, having just moved here a year ago), other moms started chiming in they felt exactly the same way. A week later one of the moms gave me your book and said, “I was in a bookstore and saw the title and well, ah?.thought of you”. I devoured it!!

Recently, another friend made a comment about how I “used to be such a passionate feminist and now was in a traditional, conservative situation” (that friend hasn’t had children yet). I revisited my preconceptions of what marriage and motherhood would be like and couldn’t believe where I had ended up and yet wanted to be desperately with my children. I argued that raising two boys to be conscious, aware, kind people was my feminist approach to motherhood. I started missing my life of all different types of women, not just mother-friends! So, I read your book and felt like you said all that I was feeling and was instantly comforted and inspired. I recommended it to my friends and just wanted to thank you for sharing such an authentic, honest, provocative, personal journey with the rest of us and to let you know how much sense it made to me.

Best,
A reader in Wolfeboro, NH

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Hi Faulkner,

I am thoroughly enjoying Dispatches (I'll be done tonight because I have the night to myself!), and I wanted to let you know you have helped to inspire a lot in me in the short time it has taken for me to read your book.

First of all, I want to thank you for making me feel normal. As a writer, I struggle a lot with the guilt surrounding my much-needed (and mostly unpaid) creative work time. Also as the wife with a near 50% husband, I have struggled with the fact that 40% is not enough even if it's better than most. You have put this into perspective for me.

Plus, due to your courageous writings and those from other recent honest mamas, my girlfriend and I are starting an online magazine, which will be called mamazine.com. We're burning the midnight oil (how would I live without the beauty of midnight oil?) to learn HTML and start a magazine for mamas and the people who love them. We hope to be up and running by summertime. So thank you for that inspiration.

Thank you again,
Sheri, Sacramento, CA

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Faulkner,
I am in the midst of reading your book, and I feel like you've been spying into my mind! You are legitimizing all of my thoughts that were literally driving me (and my family) crazy! I am 36 years old with a 6 year old and a 15 month old. We moved to Atlanta when I was three months pregnant. I decided to become a stay at home mom and between dealing with a loss of self from not working outside the home and becoming a "domestic goddess" your book has been great medicine! I thank you and wish I still lived in Durham to be able to meet you in person (my six year old was born at Duke when my husband and I were both working there).

Kind regards,
Meryl, Atlanta, GA
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Faulkner,

Thank you for sharing a wonderful story with me about the "truth"concerning raising children. I read your book over my birthday in 2004 at Farrington Village in Pittsboro. I realized it was time for me and decided to go back to school. I am now pursuing my second Masters degree and am taking back part of my life I feel I gave up. When will you be appearing in the NC area? I would love to shake your hand!!!

You have no idea what a relief and an eye opener your book was for me. Since my first son was born (1999), I have felt so alone, mad, desperate,etc.. Your book gave me hope!! I now feel like I am coming out again. And yes, I too love my boys and can't imagine life without them. Hopefully,our boys' wives will appreciate how women can transform the world into a more "equal" place to live and raise a family.

P.S. At first my husband was not a fan of Faulkner Fox as I would rant and rave about you and how "we" all felt. I am in my second semester now at ECU and he is happy I met you.

— Susan, Tarboro NC

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Faulkner,

I have never written to an author in response to reading his or her work. I've never read anything, even through college and a master's program in literature, that struck such a chord in me. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and I think I found your book because I needed to. I've been a mom for 3 years and left work to raise our 2 boys. While I wouldn't trade this time with them, I often struggle with my identity and feel lost. This is compounded by our first child's recent diagnosis ofautism. Imagine all of your perceived shortcomings as a parent and thenimagine hearing "autism." Suddenly, everything you've done - during pregnancy, during childbirth, postpartum - seems like it could be responsible for this label and you'd give anything to change it. If I
worried about my parenting abilities when I thought my son was typically developing, I've ratcheted it up several notches now. I know I can't blame
myself, but it's easier said than done. I look at each day as a new start and go from there.

Thank you for such an important work. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your honest look at motherhood and the delicate balance of marriage and family. I wish it was required reading for all pregnant moms. It would be infinitely better preparation for what lies ahead than any article on stretch marks, colic, baby gear or childbirth.

Best wishes,

Claire in Raleigh, NC

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Dear Faulkner Fox,

Thank you so very, very much for writing Dispatches from a Not So Perfect Life. I read it a few weeks ago and have been meaning to write since then.
It really put some zing back in my outlook and got me started writing my own "dispatches" from my own life.

I'm a cultural historian, teacher, nonprofit manager, researcher, editor, political activist, horse and animal lover, daughter-sister-wife, gardener,
NARAL member, hiker who adopted a son named Francisco when he was 10 months old and I was 46 years old. Francisco is now 26 months old and I am, well, older too. He is at that 'tape-recorder stage' of talking which I'm sure you remember vividly (watch your language mama) as entertaining like a side show. I am blessed to have become a mother to this boy and to have a husband who is a number one father and co-parent.

Your book, though, filled an important gap for me. When I became a mother, I did so out of that emotional limbo that marks most adoptive experiences
(can I trust that this will happen? should I actively get ready or wait to make sure) and having been infertile I had not spent much time with young
children. So I relied on my friends and my books to help chart a course. And while my friends were of great support, they were busy with their own
lives, so I had to make new friends and rely on new books. Very problematic -- as you know!

It was not until I discovered Ariel Gore and The Mother Trip that I was able to rise out of isolation and depression; that book saved my sanity! And it helped me ditch out some of the more destructive cultural voices and expectations. And then I found your book, which was the other piece I needed. As a cultural historian, I adored the bite of your cultural and social commentary about forces that shape new mothers' expectations and interpretations of their new lives. For example, I joined a local mothers club which was filled with very nice women often half my age whose total focus was on children. And I tired of the conversations about children-husbands-pets until one time a political subject came up and when some of the members got to talking about how much the press beats up on GWBush, so quick like a bunny I steered that topic right back to old ones. (Now what was your pet's name?) But your book gave me the understanding I needed -- by explaining why I couldn't become friends with any of these women in playground situations, etc, and why the mores of the group were so strong about the proper subjects of exchange (no talk of depression here, mums). I loved the new understanding you brought to the competition and judgment mothers use on one another -- how I would sometimes measure how my kid is doing versus someone else's kid versus the parenting magazine kids, etc. It is not good, but it happens because we are all parenting in a vacuum shaped only by those cultural forces. The experience I had, with other mothers, was a long way from Ariel's San Francisco solidarity, and Mebane/CH/Durham is a lot like you describe Austin. The whole Kindermusic thing was so true. Your comments about the books and magazines (perfecting focus on smaller and smaller minutiae) was absolutely perfect.
I just stopped looking for advice from those sources. When Francisco began nursery school 3 and then 4 mornings a week, I was able to take better stock of my adult life and begin to collect back pieces from my "old" life that I had missed so dearly. Am now in a much better emotional place.

One friend read your book and said well it had so much angst and bite in it. Well YES, HELLO! This is what life is like! Thank YOU for writing a book with angst and bite in it that had so much resonance and meaning for me.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you for sharing, for listening, and for leading. Hope you are happy in Durham and that things are going happily and well.

Carolyn in Mebane, NC

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Faulkner,

I loved your book! Very honest and funny! Thank you for writing such a courageous piece! It was a breath of fresh air about early motherhood and it made me laugh and it gives the new Moms hope!

— Sincerely, Nancy Reilly, White Lake, Michigan

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Faulkner:

I just finished "Dispatches" and wanted to send an email thanking you for writing it and lettting you know that another woman had read it and really enjoyed and appreciated your candor and honesty.

I hope to have children some day (preferably sooner rather than later since I am in my 30's) but so many of the issues and concerns you described are my own, from the intangible fears of identity loss, how to address the domestic division of labor to the very practical issues you address of home birth and breastfeeding.

I am also a voracious reader, writer and overanalyzer, so I felt so comforted by the way you analyzed aspects of your relationship, your emotions and societal pressures. These are things I think about all of the time and value the people I meet who I feel understand why these things matter so much to me and can discuss them with me.

Since I was young I have always wanted to be a mother, but also a professional and so many of my career aspirations were based on the idea of finding something that would be a fit for both. Lately, I had started to give up hope that motherhood was something I could do, feeling that maybe I was just a little too sensitive or too quirky to actually pull it off. Your book touched me in so many ways, addressed some of those fears and put words to them, so thank you so much.

— Tammy Brown, Denver, CO

PS I just have to add a couple of things: The visual of someone masturbating with a chain saw made me laugh out loud. The story about Ben's first dream was absolutely wonderful as was the visual of you three walking back from Stonehenge. Thank you so much for sharing all of it.

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Faulkner,

Finally a book that met my experience of motherhood! Thank you. It is a much needed breath of fresh air.

— Crystal Jackson, Laguna Beach, CA

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Dear Ms. Fox,

I will only say, I am so touched and moved by what I have read so far of your brilliant work. My list of identities are the following I am, Mother to 4 boys under 10. I am Wife (14 years) to a Federal Police officer. I am a Middle School Urban teacher. I am a Graduate student. I am a friend to many but have only a handful of true friends myself. At 34, I am not Brenda Star like I thought I would be. I have not written the book of poetry I thought I would. I have not travelled to the cities I thought I would. And yet, I love this life and I know how lucky I am. Your book, your experiences are so deep and true and real. I must thank you for sharing it. Sharing yourself.

— Carolann Sharpe, Reisterstown, MD

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Faulkner,

Thank you for your book and your honesty! I have mom-friends, but I have felt so lonely for the past 5 1/2 years because none of them are willing to talk about the truth. I appreciate knowing that other bright women can love their children passionately but be willing to do about anything to get some outside mental stimulation alone and then feel guilty about getting it when it happens. I particularly like the scene about you writing in your garage office and having your boys climb onto your lap while you were working. You didn't want it to end but you desperately needed to be YOU for a while longer.

My boys (ages 2 and 5) sometimes wake me up in the morning by fighting over whose mommy I am. Sometimes my husband will even join in the teasing by saying, "no, she's mine." I guess part of me should feel flattered, but I feel I can only take so much of this before I have to say loudly, "I am MY OWN." They always laugh it off, but I mean it! Thank you. I will look for anything else you write in the future.

— Ellen Gundlach, Lafayette, IN

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Dear Faulkner,

NPR's interview with you inspired me to buy your book--I'm enjoying every page! I admire your honesty and your unwillingness to accept less than your expectations in a society that quietly frowns on such "outlandish" notions.

I, too, decided to have a child and write almost at the same time. I already had a teenaged son and had previously devoted my time to the visual arts. When I moved to NC, I began writing again (I had attempted in my twenties but wasn't ready). I had my first pub in a print journal and then a year later I became pregnant.

Fortunately, I have a supportive husband with a flexible schedule--but I've still had to continually demand my two hours of writing time a day if we somehow fall off schedule. We've also had family bed and I know sleep exhaustion so well--I've stopped myself from driving a car once because it was so bad. I also breastfeed my son--he's two now--and in my area, it's not the norm.

Your book is a wonderful wake-up call for woman whose work, in whatever form, tends to take second to her husband's. Bravo to you!

— Sincerely, a reader in Pinehurst, NC

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Faulkner,

I just wanted to let you know that your book has been a saving grace, a door opener, a way to see tap into why I am so angry, and to let that anger out instead of turning to xanax or chardonnay. I am making every woman I know and love buy your book. I really think your book, which I mainly read on the elliptical trainer at the gym, has been the best thing to happen to me in quite some time. I sent it to my therapist too.

To level set, I am 41, have a 16 month old son (mad science, big story there), am an ardent democratic feminist, also have pretty good spouse raised by an ardent feminist and am the only top female executive in a 3 billion software company that employs 10,000 people. And I am really, really mad. And I believe the world, our world in general would be a much better place if we could get a better balance of viewpoints in the seats of power. You just can't solve the complex problems facing our world today with one predominantly white male voice. I agree, lets do a CR!

— Bettina, Chicago IL

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Dear Faulkner,

Thank you for writing your book, and for crystallizing the confusion and emotion of motherhood into articulate and insightful analysis. I cannot tell you how many different passages I have stopped to reread and reread again. I wanted to fully memorize them so that during my next experience of feeling lost and demoralized, I could reassure myself with your words. I was relieved to find that I am not alone in my resentment or anger, nor am I crazy for feeling it. I want to feel entitled to my life again. Reading your book has been my first step in this direction. Thank you for your effort.

— Elisabeth Maloney, Falls Church, VA

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Faulkner,

Late one night, I was surfing the web looking for an Anne Lamott article someone had recommended and came across an article that you had written on Salon. I started reading, could not stop and had to order your book. Amazon delivered "Dispatches" to my door two days later and I read one hundred and fifty pages that night and finished the remainder the next evening. I have not read a book since my son was born almost 18 months ago, unless you count the "What to Expect" books and countless other baby related books on breast feeding, baby sign language, child development, etc. I have not had time or maybe I have not made time to do anything that was not baby related. I work full time as an attorney and slavishly devoted my nonworking hours to everything baby. I think I have had two haircuts in the past 18 months. Until I read your essay and book, I thought I was alone. Thank you for writing a book for the 30 something moms who think. I thought you were writing the story of my life, especially the attempts to make friends with other mothers. After raving about your book to another similarly situated Mom/Wife/Attorney (who I usually only speak to on the phone because we are too busy with everything else), I am loaning her my copy of Dispatches to her.

— Stacy, Houston, TX

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Faulkner,

I've never written fan mail before. But, I feel compelled to write to you--to tell you how your book lifted me up this past week. I was having a bad flare of my MS. I'm 26, and the perfectionism and competitiveness that you describe so well have me often feeling like failure.Thank you for showing me that I'm not alone in feeling unhappy with a life that closely resembles my fantasies, with a wonderful partner, and home. Thank you for being willing to be so honest about how you feel, about your partnership with your husband, and the struggle to be yourself.

I don't have kids yet, and your book still spoke so deeply to me. I so identified with the guilt about having a dream to write and the pressures to have different "work", or to be a domestic goddess. My writing has a long way to go before I can run with giants like you who make prose sing, but you give me hope, and the courage to keep at it.

I have a blog, and I don't usually do book reviews the same way that I don't do fan letters, but I wrote an impassioned review of Dispatches on my website. I know it's not the Times, but if you are curious, here's the link:

Thank you for your beautiful book,

— A reader in Salem, OR

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Faulkner,

Words cannot express my appreciation for Dispatches From a Not-So-Perfect Life. I cannot explain how much this book has meant to me. I had read about it in the Boston Globe and immediately went out and bought it. It has made me feel better than therapy, anti-depressants, and moms' groups have! You now have a cult following in the Boston area.

Most of my moms' group has read it, and the book has opened up much more honest dialogue between us all. We are a lot "truer" and a lot closer to one another. It is now typical for us to cry when we are together, not in a depressed way, but in a bonding way. (It is cathartic!)

We now make sure we schedule girls' nights out (sans babies, baby toys, and diaper bags). This month, we will be drinking wine and discussing your book. You should feel so good about yourself, knowing the lives that you have impacted. You have made a lot of Boston moms a lot less lonely and a little less guilty (I don't know how to get rid of guilt!).

Thank you for your bravery! (And thank your husband, too!) Our husbands thank you, too.

— A reader from Boston, MA

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Dear Faulkner,

I've never actually written to an author to comment on a book, but I just finished reading Dispatches and felt like I had to tell you how much I loved and appreciated what you wrote. It was good to read that there are others out there who also feel isolated, guilty, unsure of what's best for the kids and what's best for the mom.

Thanks for a great book. I've been recommending it to every Mom I know.

— Lisa, Charlottesville, VA

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Dear Faulkner,

Faulkner-On my last trip to San Francisco, my friend very nicely gave me an (autographed!) copy of your book. I devoured it on the plane ride home. Barely had time to kiss the kids and husband when I returned, so engrossed was I.

You've written a wonderful book. It truly gave voice to some of the many frustrations I've had over the years. And it has led to numerous conversations with friends (and spouse and shrink). I've been a big promoter of your book. If ever you make it to our area to do a reading, please let me know.

— Marcie, Bethesda, MD

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Hi Faulkner,

I just finished Dispatches from a Not So Perfect Life, and I wanted to thank you for writing that book. I am on maternity leave with my 3rd child in 4 years, and am feeling VERY much the same way you described yourself in the book. I have literally had, verbatim, many of the same thoughts and conversations that you wrote about (particularly about wanting to go back in the hospital to get some rest, and holding my husband to the same standard I hold myself). I love my children desperately, but often feel so completely lonely, overwhelmed and unappreciated, even though I do have a very supportive "New Age" type husband that very much resembles the way you described your husband.

Anyway, thank you again. Your book really did move me, and I am making my husband read it so he gets some insight into why I am so often angry and resentful.

— Tracey Robinson, Warwick, RI

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Faulkner,

I am reading, savoring and thoroughly enjoying your book. I had my first child on May 4, and things have been pretty surreal ever since. I am an English professor and am not planning to be back at work until the spring semester next year, although that might change; husband went back after three days. Enough said. Your description of your dissatisfaction with the "gymboree" ethos is dead on. There are so many smart, interesting, ambitious new mothers that i meet and they all seem panicked, sad and/or overwhelmed and our conversations are totally vapid.

Your book has given me such solace, insight, pleasure. I read it in 2-10 page snippets when i get a second. Today, I tried to read it aloud to my baby, thinking as long as she heard my voice while I held her, all would be good, but she would have none of it after about three pages. Thanks for this book! I'm telling every new mother I meet (and like) about it.

Write some more for all of us!

— A reader from Brooklyn, NY

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Faulkner,

I just wanted to drop you a quick note to tell you how much I loved Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life. I have often wondered what the other moms are thinking under the parachute at Gymboree. I had a terrible feeling it was about cupcake recipes until I read your book!

I have recommended your book to the readers of Toronto Mama (www.tomama.com), and I look forward to hearing more from you!

— Jennifer Lawrence, Toronto, ONT

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Faulkner:

I just finished your book in a marathon reading session, a rare event now with a six month old son. You found words to so many of the vague feelings I had that I had to take a few minutes to write and thank you.

One of the areas that hit home was the commentary on "mommy-baby events" and "baby books". I knew I didn't feel better after attending such events, but couldn't figure out why. And early in my pregnancy, I stopped reading baby/pregnancy books because they provoked such angst. The baby website discussion groups I tried were an equal failure. I remember reading a posting from an exhausted mom who had let her baby cry ten minutes, having fed and diapered her, to see if she would fall asleep and this posting was followed by almost a page of scathing retorts about her cruelty. Yikes!

I will never forget the day at the mommy baby "support" group when the moderator said that we would discuss feedings. Anyone who was breastfeeding would stay in the room and anyone who "couldn't" would go to another room. When it was time, as a bottle-feeder, I stood and gathered my things, only to quickly realize that of 30 moms, I was the only one bottle feeding. When the bottle feeding instructor and I, the only two, proceeded to the library, she told me how hard she had tried to breastfeed and how disappointed she was at failing. She then asked my "story". The fact is I chose to bottle feed because the breast feeding just seemed too overwhelming. I'd decided about month five in my pregnancy that sharing those 1 a.m. feedings with my husband sounded a lot more appealing. Needless to say, on the "self-less scale" I wasn't faring well. Yet I was probably the most rested woman in the room and was generally one of the less stressed it seemed.

I won't take up more of your time other than to say your book has made my journey in motherhood more relaxed and happy to see that I'm not alone in so many of my feelings. Your readers owe you. Thanks so very, very much!

— Eileen Schnabel, Oregon, WI

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Ms Fox,

I am a 25-year-old mother of one 2-year-old, and expecting my second in a few weeks. I'm also working my way through school to become a nurse midwife. Thank you for making me feel less lonely, less like a freak, and more like a legitimate mother.

I've often felt other moms at the library looking at me like I might have stolen this kid...I get all hot and sweaty and start looking for the nearest exit.

Thanks again for sharing your experiences, and I hope to read more from you soon.

— Melissa Beahon, Rochester, NY

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Dear Faulkner,

After six weeks away I finally returned to my office today, vowing fervently, as only the New Yearly resolved can do: I am going directly to the computer to write this deadline--no prolonged telephone calls, no writing avoidance activities, no filing tax papers, no browsing the bookshelves, etc. Instead, I faced a month's worth of mail piled on my desk from our department's longsuffering secretary. I'll just open the envelopes and read all this stuff later. Except maybe a quick browse of this Dispatches book, see if I want to keep it or pass it on.

Two hours later, thank you very much, I finally closed the book, put it in my bag to read at home tonight, immediately called The Ninth Street Bookstore and ordered two copies (one for my beloved daughter-in-law, light of my life and mother of my two grandchildren, who will relate completely to Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life. She has a newborn, an 18-month-old, and a serious case of the guilty blues. Your book will be a huge affirmation of her sanity: She is NOT crazy, the world is...) And then I told the store manager, to order twenty more.

Faulkner, you've written an important and wonderful book. I can't tell you what an enormous pleasure it is to read a smart, candid, riveting book about motherhood that is also so beautifully written. I love your wit. Your nerve. Your depression and pessimism, too. I wanted to call you up when I closed the book, feeling certain we'd have a lot to talk about.

I'd like your book to get out just everywhere. You are exactly right about a new and dangerous strain of back-to-the-kitchen-and-nursery edict taking over the culture again. (Not that it was ever entirely gone...but it's here again with a vengeance.)

Congratulations on a great book. And thanks so much for sending it. I'm happy to be sharing this planet with the likes of you.

Cheers,

Mary Kay Blakely, author of AMERICAN MOM, Columbia, MO

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Dear Ms. Fox:

Thank you for writing this book. Everyone has their own personal criteria for the perfect book, and for me, this is it and then some. First, my favorite books have a content so engrossing that I am swept away and all-consumed by the story and people in them. "Dispatches" is certainly that. Balanced with that, my favorite books are so well-written that a side voice in my head takes notice of certain phrases and word choices ("Oh, I like how she put that" - "Wow, what a great sentence") in a way that is complimentary and not intrusive. This book does that, too. And finally, when I close the book I have learned something about the world and myself, and your book has done that more than any book I have read in a long time.

Your discoveries about the complexities of friendships among mothers who are judging themselves by judging each other are extraordinary. You have uncovered a huge and hidden nail and hit it right on the head and I think it's importance in the women's and mothers' movements cannot be overestimated. The intimate personal tone of your book helped satisfy what you have made me realize is something important that I miss in my life - a true girlfriend to tell it like it really is. Your book makes me feel like I have had such a conversation with you and I feel satiated.

Thanks so much for the humor that is missing in so many other books about women's issues. The image of you waving to the mothers in the park on the way to take your sons to see a woman with horns is priceless! I'll surely picture it when I'm having my own lonely park moments. And thanks for giving me this opportunity to write to you and tell you why your book was so great. Although it took me about an hour because of constant interruptions for sippy cup refills and the like, it still felt great to write this email and feel like myself for a little while.

With sincere gratitude and admiration,

— Amy Kaiser, Cortlandt Manor, NY

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P.S. I just realized this is the first letter I have written to an author since I wrote to Judy Blume in sixth grade after reading "Are You There God, it's me, Margaret". Interesting.

Dear Faulkner,

Thanks for writing your truth. Your book was a wonderful breath of fresh air in my sleep-deprived life as a mom of 2 young children (2 and 6) and as an activist/organizer trying to find the balance of loving my children and working for the better world they will inherit.

I found your story to parallel so many aspects of my life - including my one-year of misery in Houston, TX because of my partner/husband's job. I'm recommending your book to all my pals and I really appreciate the discussion guide.

Take care and I look forward to reading more about your journey,

— Yin Ling Leung, Sammamish, WA

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Faulkner,

I just wanted to let you know how much your book has helped me. I purchased it when I was pregnant with my second child (and preparing to stay home for at least a year). After my second son was born in August, I have returned to it several times, re-reading different chapters. I am a bit isolated at home as my son was born with a birth defect (treatable but stressful and difficult just the same). Your book has gotten me through some tough days.

Best wishes,

— Tara Lee, Seattle, WA

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Dear Ms. Fox,

Thank you for writing your book!! I'm sure you have gotten many notes similiar to mine, but I was stunned that you so clearly articulated some of my most personal thoughts and anxieties. I believe you've given voice to feminist mothers who feel staggered and betrayed by the American cult of motherhood. I deeply appreciate your courage to publish such a truthful and compelling book.

Best wishes,

— Susan, Carrboro, NC

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Dear Faulkner,

I devoured your book all weekend, and even found myself close to tears sitting in the 86 bus at Faidherbe-Chaligny on my way to the market at Aligre, reading about our wrenching birth experiences. (I am able to luxuriate in reading because my only daughter is now sixteen, and being a good-enough mother, as Winnicott terms it, more than ever means measuring the degree to which one encroaches on her personhood.)

It's Monday morning, and now I'm finished. What fantastic insights! What ruthless self-examination! What honesty! What fun! Your book is an inspiration.

— A reader

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I am most of the way through your book, and cannot tell you how cathartic reading it has been for me. I really appreciate how you have captured the difficult place so many of us are in. For your collection of demographics, I am a married mother of two girls, ages 6 and 2. I am a mathematician with the better part of a master's degree in philosophy, but am not working so much these days (used to adjunct at UMass Amherst nearby) because it's hard for me to do any kind of deep thinking on so little sleep (for 6+ years!).

I learned of your book through Mothers & More, and am currently leader of a local chapter of Mothers & More that I started a couple of months ago. We will be discussing your book at our March 15 meeting.

— A reader

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Dear Faulkner Fox,

I loved your book. I stayed up until 1:30 this morning reading it, and that never happens. I usually fall asleep at 8:30 (I have a baby and a 2 and a half year old.) your book is really, really good and you should make a million bucks from it.

You must be hearing this a lot: I feel my life is very similar to yours, but that may be more due to your excellent writing (you know the feeling where you feel the writer is saying everything you think but just didn't have the time or more likely skill to articulate?). I love the part about shopping in Whole Foods--I always dread the other mothers with 2 little kids who will look at me as if we are in the same club, when we're not! I'm not like them, with their scraggly hair and snotty sleeves. but there I am with the baby in the sling, the big boy in the cart feeling so judged by the other sling baby/big kid in cart trios. I realized I hate myself for trying to have a mix of sale items and "luxury" items like Weleda diaper cream so all of those judgmental weasels can see what good care i take of my boys' buns. and I see now that if I saw someone with my cart full of items i'd think--Weleda diaper cream! What a poser! Get some A&D ointment and get over yourself!

Oh, I am so tired from staying up with your book. I'm glad I did. I think I'll be able to work on assuming people are judging me less, or at least caring less if they are.

— Katy Killilea, Providence, RI

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Faulkner,

I've been meaning to write to you ever since I devoured the first half of your book on a short plane ride to NYC. You've made me laugh, cry and get pissed at my husband, a man I really do adore.

It is a brave book, and you are an incredibly talented, not to mention honest, writer. I have been thinking about keeping a frequent parenting miles card. But it is too depressing to see how the miles are really divided.

— Kimberly Lifton, Huntington Woods, MI

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Dear Faulkner:

Thank you for writing Dispatches. I just finished stealing every moment I could (from my full-time, 24/7 mommy schedule) to soak in every page from cover to cover.

Your book has helped me to feel more "normal". Just to know that there is someone else out there who has felt some of the same confusion, guilt and angst in relation to motherhood is a huge relief.

You've done women a huge service by telling the story of contemporary motherhood without the seemingly mandatory sugar coating.

— Lisa, Fullerton, CA

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Dear Faulkner Fox,

As a journalist (I was a founding editor of Sassy and worked for years at a small magazine called Utne Reader) who wrote my M.F.A. thesis about my own maternal identity crisis, I was terrified to read your book. My agent has been shopping a similar proposal for a year. We've had a few very near misses and a lot of encouraging feedback about my writing and thinking. But I've recently started to accept the fact that this book isn't going to happen for me. Maybe that realization was what made me finally crack the spine of "Dispatches." I read it in two days while my husband took our sons (ages 4 and 2)to jump in rain puddles somewhere. And I wanted you to know that I was right to worry that you would say much of what I had hoped to. But instead of feeling pissed off and jealous, I read your book with a profound sense of gratitude that someone was able to articulate such outspoken and unconvential yet universal views. I couldn't rave more about what's on the page, and as a feminist who freelances and teaches for a living, was delighted to see that what I do on a daily basis could one day end up as a bound finished product.

With best wishes from a new fan,

— Elizabeth Larsen, Minneapolis, MN

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Dear Faulkner,

I just finished Dispatches from a Not So Perfect Life, and I wanted to thank you for writing that book. I am on maternity leave with my 3rd child in 4 years, and am feeling VERY much the same way you described yourself in the book. I have literally had, verbatim, many of the same thoughts and conversations that you wrote about (particularly about wanting to go back in the hospital to get some rest, and holding my husband to the same standard I hold myself). I have an English degree from Georgetown University, a Master's degree from Boston College, and all the credits for a second Master's degree from Providence College (just didn't sit for the exam), and I feel like the most over-qualified diaper changer on the planet! I love my children desperately, but often feel so completely lonely, overwhelmed and unappreciated, even though I do have a very supportive "New Age" type husband that very much resembles the way you described your husband.

Anyway, thank you again. Your book really did move me, and I am making my husband read it so he gets some insight into why I am so often angry and resentful.

— Tracey Robinson, Warwick, RI

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Dear Faulkner,

I have been meaning to write ever since I inhaled "Dispatches from a Not-so-Perfect Life" over the winter break. What a JOY it was!!! It was the first time ever I read a book that so eloquently and honestly described my feelings as a mother. (And I am saying this as a long-time member of Mothers and More who serves as project staff for our annual Mother's Day Campaign and put the recommended reading list together last year. :)

While I related to most everything you say in your book, the chapter on female friendships touched me deeply because my experience in making friends with other mothers has been quite similar. In the beginning of my journey, I wondered whether my dissatisfaction had to do with cross-cultural differences in communication as I grew up in Europe. Along the way though, and a couple of playgroups from hell later, it occurred to me that everyone was holding on to the ideology of motherhood, "the way a mother does things", incapable of plainly and honestly talking about the joyful, not-so-joyful, the broadening and limiting, and the happy and plain depressing experiences. The amount of energy mothers put into the construction of a "perfect world" continues to amaze me.

After 15 years in the business of motherhood, I have a couple of good mother friends but it has been a long road. And when you talk about having had to change your expectations about friendship, I could relate well. I have got some really good friends, most of whom live elsewhere in the world; some are "co-workers" with whom I have good relations because our kids are friends; and others are acquaintances. Being at home with the boys over the years has taught me how to separate the public and private spheres of my job that operates entirely out of the private domain, and in the process I have lowered my expectations.

All of this to thank you from the bottom of my heart for writing this book! Hopefully libraries across the country will include it in their book clubs, and women, who I find will speak their minds in formal, classroom settings, will discuss it and share their real experiences.

Thanks again, and keep up the good work!

Best wishes,
— Dagmar Kauffman, Chicago, IL

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Dear Faulkner,

I just finished your book and immediately wanted to drive down to Durham and throw myself across your doorstep in gratitude. It is wonderful, honest. I love the way you talk about all the cultural factors that define what a good mother is. I've found so many mothers to be oblivious to this. And how hard it was for you to make friends with mothers and have real conversations. I have exactly this same frustration. The whole thing is great and your voice is so real.

Your book is brilliant and important.

Best,

— Abby Arnold, Greensboro, NC

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Hi Faulkner:

Thank goodness I attended your reading, after which I read your book. I hadn't intended to do it since my "two sons" are now men in their early thirties who take care of me more than the other way around, but I changed my mind after the reading and I never regretted it as I flew through your book, laughing my head off half the time and crying the other half (metaphorically so to speak)...I have since recommended "Dispatches" to lots of people, even a friend who teaches Feminist Psychology at UNC and doesn't have any children. She was particularly interested in your theme of friendship between women, and the obstacles to it. I was too, and I thought you did such a fabulous work of looking at it from all kinds of angles...I love your strong voice and how your humor makes it so palatable, and the fact that you look at your alienation from other mothers while trying so honestly to create bridges with your readership. I also love the way you have a clear awareness of yourself as an American mother, which makes it easier for me to understand myself as a half French/half American mother/person.

Thanks again for being a real inspiration,

— a reader in Durham, NC

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Dear Faulkner,

I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciated your book, Dispatches from a Not-So-Perfect Life. I've recommended it to several of my friends already. I felt, reading it, as if you had taken on so many of the difficulties of juggling motherhood with the life of an adult, thinking woman, and that your unflinching look at these problems was making it easier for me to deal with them as well. I say this from the perspective of a woman who hasn't yet had children but has been very worried about what having them will entail. I don't think your book discourages me, but rather the reverse--once the truth is out there, it's easier to deal with, and knowing someone else didn't find motherhood all smooth sailing makes my own fears seem more reasonable--and thus more manageable. Another colleague, who just had her first baby a year ago, calls your book "dead on" and liked it very much as well, by the way.

Thank you for this book. I hope it has all the success it deserves.

— Laura, Durham, NC

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Hi Faulkner,

I love your book. It has made me feel like I'm not totally crazy. I was so relieved to read what you had written, but that I've been unable to articulate, about why I hate playgroups and the like. I work out of the home for 4 hours 3 days a week. The rest of the time I'm home and I get very depressed. People keep telling me to go out & join groups but that just depresses me more. I almost died laughing when you described your conversation with your friend about wishing for a hospital stay!

My daughter is almost 2 and my son is 11. I worked full time before my son was born & have worked a variety of schedules since his birth, but cut back drastically after my daughters birth. I am trying to remember that this phase of life will pass. And then I feel guilty for willing it away. But it is encouraging to see that you are fully involved in life & career again.

My very best to you. And thank you!

— Kim, Kirkland, WA

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Faulkner,

Just a note to say how much I loved "Dispatches". Read it all day yesterday, in one huge gulp. To be honest, I don't really get that excited about books on motherhood anymore. This is so arrogant, but I almost never find an idea I haven't already thought through in some half-assed form or another. Not so with yours. It is full of highlights and stuff that made me go "hmmmm" or "yesssss!" or "my god - of course!".

I only wish we lived closer. We'd have so much to talk about.

Anyhow, best of luck with this marvelous book.

— Susan Maushart, author of The Mask of Motherhood and Wifework, Fremantle, Western Australia

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Hi,

I am a stay-at-home mom who managed to take care of my little 13 month old boy while simultaneously devouring almost all of your book in one day. I'm going to to a cocktail-party baby shower this evening, and that combined with immersion in your book has really made me emotional today. I was trying to fill out the greeting card for the expecting couple, but I wasn't in the frame of mind to put something safe and potentially insincere. How bout: "It's not too late to reconsider"? Or, "the first couple of months are a real bitch"? (and yes, I love my son)

I wanted to thank you, as I'm sure so many women have, for having the courage to write with a level of honesty that was probably very painful at times. I have found it painful to read it. At the same time, it was funny and silly and reassuring. I was really moved by your description of your intimate relationships and talks with friends before you had a child. I truly missed that too. The utter lack of time and the level of distraction was something I was totally unprepared for. It really puts one in despair, doesn't it? I recently quit going to a Mommy book club because all of the mothers want to have their children there with them, hearing them discussing books, as they think it will enrich the kids' literacy. Whatever, that's fine I guess, but I personally got a headache and needed a cocktail. I know that being judgmental is supposed to be bad, but sometimes when you know you're right and others are wrong, it just feels good. I've since become good friends with moms who think I'm right, too. And that's very, very nice.

Many many thanks to you,

— Michelle Beamer, Washington, DC

P.S. when I was looking for something to blame for my "ache that knows no name" I wish I'd've thought of Culture! Damn, that didn't even occur to me! I couldn't put my finger on it.

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Ms. Fox,

I'm an avid reader, but never in my life have I contacted an authorabout her book before. I finished your book a few days ago, and have had several good cries since then. The feelings you express so eloquently mirror my own, like no other book on motherhood I have ever read.

The first line in your book -- discussing how unhappy you were with a 7 month old and a 3 year old describes my exact situation. I have two daughters, a 6 month old and a 3 year old and overall I'm unhappy. I quit my job as an attorney when my second was born, because I believed that I wanted to stay home full time with both of them. While I enjoy being with the girls and not dealing with the stress of an office, I'm bored to pieces, and jealous of my husband's career.

I majored in Women's Studies at Duke (where I believe you teach) and I had envisioned a different family life for myself. I, too, had a paella fantasy. In this day and age, I believed that mothers and fathers could equally divide housework and child-rearing, but my reality has been nothing but. My husband, a resident, works long hours and many weekends. Thus, the majority of child-rearing falls to me. I went back to work after my first daughter was born, but every time she got sick or needed a parent at home, I ALWAYS had to be the one to take time off to be with her, because my husband's extremely family unfriendly job would not allow him to do so. With twochildren, I just didn't see how I could manage all the child-rearing, housework, and a job of my own, so I quit.

It's comforting to know that there are mothers out there whose lives resemble my own, and who share my frustrations.

— a reader in Philadelphia

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Faulkner,

I just wanted to say thank-you for your book. I can't say enough how good it feels to know I'm not the only one who feels the way I do. You've basically given a voice to my feelings and almost freed me in a way. I'm staying at home for the most part to look after my 20-month-old daughter and have also taken up writing, or, at least am trying to take up writing, and am also a feminist in my own right and have been struggling since my daughter was born with the fact that I never planned on being a stay-at-home mom who cooked and cleaned and looked after the husband and child all day. I've spent the last year coming to terms with my life and the fact that I have a degree, have goals and aspirations for more, and yet, am stuck in a house living in a town I don't really like to be with my husband and child. I've spent the past 20 months complaining to my friends (who don't understand why I'd ever want to do anything but stay at home with kids to cook and clean for my husband) who've never understood me, to find your book to show me I'm not crazy, or a bad mother, or stuck as a
housewife for the rest of my life. Basically, I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way and just wanted to say that your book has given me hope that maybe one day, I too, will be a writer (or a successful one), and that I'm not alone. Who knew you could stay at home with kids and be a feminist too?

To end my rambling, once again, thank-you for your book. I've never read something so true and close to my own thoughts and feelings. Last night when I read it while giving my daughter a bath, tears came to my eyes because I felt, for the first time since she was born, that someone felt the same way I did. Or it was the water she splashed in my face, I'll never be quite sure.

Sincerely,
— Randi Jo, Dawson Creek, British Columbia, Canada

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